Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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