Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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