I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
