so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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