So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
