I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
