there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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