OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
