If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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