Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
