The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
