My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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