I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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