moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
