I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
