soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
