she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
