I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
