just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I deserve this hangover.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
