I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
