Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
