I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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