this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize