My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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