Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
