You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
