Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
