Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
