The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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