Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need to align my fucking chakras
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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