im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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