I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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