please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
