if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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