sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
