i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
