I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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