I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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