her vagine was all disorganized.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
