Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
