Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
