I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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