U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
