The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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