I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
