im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
