This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
