Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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