You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
are you so shy because you have an std?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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