he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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