Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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