I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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