We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
