dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
