my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
dude. I can hear the air.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
