Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize