Michael Bay diarrhea
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
