If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
