I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
