You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
