the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!