So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
